"Why isn't my life like a situation comedy? Why don't I have a bunch of friends with nothing better to do but drop by and instigate wacky adventures? Why aren't my conversations peppered with spontaneous witticisms? Why don't my friends demonstrate heartfelt concern for my well being when I have problems? ...I gotta get my life some writers."
It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning.
"I've been visualizing the conceptualization process. That's the hard part."
"Are you crazy? This is a stupid, boring, time-wasting forced assignment! This isn't fun!"
"Are you suggesting that this appliance didn't aggravate me with malice aforethought?"
"Well, it just seemed wrong to cheat on an ethics test."
"When you get something, it's new and exciting. When you have something, you take it for granted and it's boring."
"Do the words 'complete pandemonium' strike terror in your heart?"
"If warped values are the price of a vicarious thrill, so be it!"
"I'm yet another resource-consuming kid in and overpopulated planet, raised to an alarming extent by Madison Avenue and Hollywood, poised with my cynical and alienated peers to take over the world when you're old and weak."
"I try to make everyone's day a little more surreal."
"I used to make original snowmen, but it was time consuming, hard work. So I said, heck, this is crazy! Now I crank out crude imitations of what's already popular! It takes no time or thought, and most people don't care about the difference, anyway! And what good is originality if you can't crank it out?"
"Now, a lifetime of experience has left me bitter and cynical."
"People think it must be fun to be a super genius, but they don't realize how hard it is to put up with all the idiots in the world."
"Did you know that's one of the ten warning signs of hopeless dweebism?"
"Nobody asks me how things oughta be! I've got tons of ideas!"
"I say, when life gives you a lemon, wing it right back and add some lemons of your own!"
"These are interesting times. We don't trust the government, we don't trust the legal system, we don't trust the media, and we don't trust each other! We've undermined all authority, and with it, the basis for replacing it! It's like a six-year-old's dream come true!"
"If it was completely different, school would be great."
"My time is valuable. I can't go on thinking about one subject for minutes on end. I'm a busy man."
"Why should I have to WORK for everything?! It's like saying I don't deserve it!"
"If you do the job badly enough, sometimes you don't get asked to do it again."
"Childhood is short, maturity is forever."
"Why waste time learning, when ignorance is instantaneous?"
"You know how people are. They only recognize greatness when some authority confirms it."
"As far as I'm concerned, if something is so complicated that you can't explain it in 10 seconds, then it's probably not worth knowing anyway."
"True friends are hard to come by ... I need more money."
"There's an inverse relationship between how good something is for you, and how much fun it is."
"(During a test) A gas mask, a smoke grenade, and a helicopter, thats all I ask."
"There's never enough time to do all the nothing you want."
"You know how Einstein got bad grades as a kid? Well, mine are even worse!"
"I think the surest sign that there is intelligent life out there in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us."
"Some people are pragmatists, taking things as they come and making the best of the choices available. Some people are idealists, standing for principle and refusing to compromise. And some people just act on any whim that enters their heads. I pragmatically turn my whims into principles."
"The purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure pure reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little pratice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!"
"Well, remember what you said, because in a day or two, I'll have a witty and blistering retort! You'll be devastated THEN!"
"From now on, I'll connect the dots my own way."
"Nothing spoils fun like finding out it builds character."
"Aww mom, you act like I'm not even wearing a bungie cord!"
"It's hard to conceal a water balloon."
"When birds burp, it must taste like bugs."
"Reality continues to ruin my life."
"Susie if you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police you CANNOT trace us, you CANNOT find us. Sincerely, Calvin"
"I wanted to be a neo-deconstructivist but Mom wouldn't let me."
"That's the difference between me and the rest of the world! Happiness isn't good enough for me! I demand euphoria!"
"I like maxims that don't encourage behavior modification.
"Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless."
"A little rudeness and disrespect can elevate a meaningless interaction to a battle of wills and add drama to an otherwise dull day."
"It's psychosomatic. You need a lobotomy. I'll get a saw."
"I understand my tests are popular reading in the teachers' lounge."
"Life's disappointments are harder to take when you don't know any swear words."
"Where do we keep all our chainsaws, Mom?"
"To make a bad day worse, spend it wishing for the impossible."
"So the secret to good self-esteem is to lower your expectations to the point where they're already met?"
"It's only work if somebody makes you do it."
"In my opinion, we don't devote nearly enough scientific research to finding a cure for jerks."
"You know, Hobbes, some days even my lucky rocketship underpants don't help."
"Its no use! Everybody gets good enemies except me."
"What's the point of wearing your favorite rocketship underpants if nobody ever asks to see 'em?"
"As a math atheist, I should be excused from this."
"This one's tricky. You have to use imaginary numbers, like eleventeen ..."
"I'm learning real skills that I can apply throughout the rest of my life ... Procrastinating and rationalizing."
"I have a hammer! I can put things together! I can knock things apart! I can alter my environment at will and make an incredible din all the while! Ah, it's great to be male!"
"I'm not dumb. I just have a command of thoroughly useless information."
"I go to school, but I never learn what I want to know."
Carolyn "Care Bear" King
